


Selfish

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, F/M, Light Angst, Love, Love Confessions, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-06-27 11:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15684294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	1. Chapter 1

“What happened?”

“What do you mean what happened?” He asked, his gaze somewhere between hurt and indignant.

You couldn’t believe this. Not from Spencer. Spencer your best friend. Spencer the man that would never hurt you. How could he do this? “We were talking…” You breathed as he shrugged his coat on and headed toward the elevator. “About us. What we felt was there between us. Possibly something more than friendship. And now this?”

The possibility that you were in love with your best friend was just that - a possibility, but now that he was getting ready to go out with another woman you realized you were unequivocally in love with him. Why would this hurt otherwise? Why would this feel like he was stabbing you with a sharp knife and twisting it? Why would the middle of your chest feel hollow at the mention of her name if you weren’t in love with him? “Y/N, I’m…” He started, swallowing hard against the guilt. “I’m sorry…you don’t get to choose these things, you know?”

“Exactly!” You yelled, pushing him back with the palm of your hand. “We were talking and we said we both felt it. That something there that was more than what we thought. We both said it. I was telling the truth. Are you saying you weren’t?” Everyone on the team knew that you and Spencer were talking things out, about the possibilities between you. But they had no idea things had gone down this path and as the tears streamed down your face and the anger rose in your chest you couldn’t find it in yourself to care if they did find out. 

As you exited the elevator and headed to your cars, you found yourself increasingly desperate for answers of some kind. But he wasn’t giving you the ones you wanted to hear. In all honesty, you didn’t know which answers you wanted. “No, I wasn’t lying,” he said as he buttoned his coat and reached for the door handle. “Why would I lie?”

“I don’t know! But I can’t think of another reason that you would choose this woman who you barely know over someone you claim is your best friend?” It wasn’t like you thought that romantic feelings couldn’t bud for more than one person, but even if they had for this woman, you didn’t understand his reason for choosing her. “Spence, we’ve been friends for 10 years. I don’t get it.”

Spencer’s lip quivered as he pulled for the door handle. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I don’t really know what to say. I have to go. I’m going to be late.” And without another word, he got into the car and pulled away, never looking back to the see the tears in your eyes, but he knew they were there. They were reflected in his own.

——

“We have something here, right?” He asked.

You smiled at him from your place on the opposing bed. It was late and you could all go home in the morning. As always, you shared a room, but recently it had been more to talk about what you’d both been feeling. “I think so,” you replied. “I know that I don’t see you as just my best friend anymore. I feel like there’s more there. That I want to explore.”

“Me too,” he said. “It makes me nervous, but…me too.”

It had made you nervous too, but you never asked why. You both tried to fight the sleep in your eyes to talk some more but sleep had won out and once you returned to DC another case turned you right back around. And apparently right into her arms.

As you sunk into your bed in nothing but a baggy t-shirt, you felt the tears begin anew. You thought you had cried it all out in the car, considering you had to pull over once for fear of crashing, but here it was again. That creeping hollow feeling settled into the middle of your chest as silent cries wracked your body. This was going to change things between you.

In the ensuing days, you and Spencer barely spoke to each other, only interacting when a case or paperwork required it. Spencer always looked like he wanted to say something, but he never did and you were too hurt to do anything than what was necessary for work. 

You gave Hotch a heads up without going into detail about what was said. But it was possible that you were going to need some time off, whether it be temporary or permanent you weren’t sure. 

For a couple weeks, you continued on as normally as you possibly could until it was just too painful. Resignation was the only way to distance yourself. When you got home, you’d write one and get this over with. Everyone on the team looked so happy, even Spencer, and you couldn’t be around it anymore. 

——

Writing your resignation letter was one of the most painful things you’d ever done. For years, you worked to get to this place and though painful in nature, you felt like you were doing something for the better. Spencer had become your best friend, the person you told everything to and for the longest time, your relationship remained as it always had, but when it changed your world changed and watching him choose someone else hurt too much to bear in close vicinity. 

After you closed the document, promising to email it to Hotch in the morning, you went to your cabinet and grabbed a bottle of liquor and poured yourself a glass. How you hadn’t become an alcoholic recently was astounding, but one drink couldn’t hurt. 

Knock. Knock.

Without a thought you slunk over to the door and opened it, feeling numb when you saw who it was. “Spencer what are you doing here?”

He was caught off guard. You never called him Spencer anymore. It was always Spence. “I came to see you obviously.”

The document was still open and he caught sight of it. “You’re resigning?!” He asked astonished. “Why? Y/N, you can’t leave?”

“No, what I can’t do is act like my best friend didn’t choose another woman over me. Thought she was more worthy of a relationship than I. I can’t act like that doesn’t hurt. And me hurting fucks with the team, so that’s my two weeks.” You chugged back the burning alcohol and felt it heat up your insides in the only way that made you feel at all okay. 

“I didn’t choose her over you,” he said, reaching for your arm to turn you around and keep you from pouring yourself another glass. 

“Oh really? Sure as hell looks like it!” You bellowed. Though you couldn’t see yourself, you could feel the strain in your eyes. “It looks like some random victim from a case was more worthy of giving a shot than I was.”

“That’s not it! I’m not even with her, Y/N! We went on two dates and then I couldn’t do it anymore!”

“Why?”

“Because I saw what it was doing to you and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”

Sure was a funny way of showing it. “You hurt me the instant you chose to go out with her after the conversations we’d been having. If hurting me was such a foreign, despicable concept to you, why didn’t you pursue us?” You wrenched your hand away and returned to the counter to pour yourself another glass, downing half in one gulp. 

“I…I-”

“You what?”

“I thought that pursuing us might lead to where we are right now anyway. Ruining what we had. But after having a romantic relationship, I knew it would hurt more, so I pursued her because I thought it was safer for both of us.”

“For you, you mean,” you spat angrily. There was a relief in knowing he wasn’t with her, but a seething exasperation as to how someone so smart could be led to such a stupid conclusion. “It was safer for you. Because you didn’t have to sit here and watch me ripping myself apart. You were selfish!”

He whispered quietly, his eyes downcast. “I didn’t know…I thought it would be better this way.”

“Well, it wasn’t.”

“I never wanted to hurt you,” he said, stepping toward you and sobbing when you flinched away from him. “Every inter-Bureau relationship we’ve ever known of has ended in a bitter divorce, I didn’t want.”

“Well, look what’s happening now.” The resignation letter was right there on the screen. “Did you ever think we could be the ones to beat the odds?”

You could see in his eyes that he hadn’t. “I’m sorry. I just…I love you too much to lose you, but that’s why I ended up not going out with her again because I could already feel that I was, so I was going to tell you sooner. That you were the woman I love, the one I wanted, but every time you looked at me, I felt such hatred that I couldn’t muster up the courage to say what I needed to say.”

“So now you want me?”

“I always have,” he said. “Too much. As convoluted as it sounds, it was that love that had me fearful of losing you all together.”

“You should have had faith in us. You should have believed that our history could get passed at that bureaucratic bullshit.” You put the glass down. You were so angry with him. “I need you to leave.”

“What?” He asked, attempting to step toward you again. “Y/N, please don’t turn me away.”

“I need time to think. If you didn’t have faith in us before…I don’t know what to do now.”

“Please,” he begged. “Don’t go. Don’t resign. Give me a chance to prove to you how stupid I was.”

A sob shook through you. “I won’t resign. And I’ll give you a chance, but you still need to leave now. I’m too angry.”

“Okay,” he replied despondently. “I understand.” As he walked toward the door, he turned to you one last time. “I’m so unbelievably sorry for the pain I put you through.”

The second he closed the door, you collapsed onto the floor in silent and violent cries. What were you supposed to do? Was there a way to overcome this anger and hurt?


	2. A Chance is All I Ask

As soon as the tears dried up, you picked yourself up off the floor and stomped over to the computer, deleting the resignation letter without saving. You wouldn’t resign - at least not yet - but honestly you still weren’t sure if forgiveness was in your future.

He’d hurt you.

Instead of thinking, you downed another shot of liquor and headed to bed, passing out until the morning when you called in sick. You might not be resigning yet, but that didn’t mean you had the energy to face Spencer and keep a cool head. 

——-

For weeks, you said nothing to Spencer, unable to form words without lava boiling over. Everyone could tell something had happened between you and they knew it wasn’t good, but they also knew better not to ask and Spencer knew better than to air your dirty laundry.

One night about three weeks after you’d forced him out of your apartment, he showed up again, desperate for you to say something - good or bad. Just anything. “Please, Y/N, this tension between us is killing me. Talk to me. Please?”

“I’m sorry, Spencer,” you replied. “I’m just having a really hard time letting go of how angry I am.”

“What can I do to make it up to you? What do I have to do to prove to you that I made a mistake?”

“I don’t know.” You weren’t going to sugarcoat it. You were still so mad. “Spence, I’m so hurt. This wasn’t like we met a few months ago and we didn’t talk about us and then you ended up going out with someone else. This was you choosing, however briefly, to give another woman the chance over your best friend of 10 years because you couldn’t have the faith to believe we were strong enough together to defeat the odds. When you get betrayed like that…it’s not as simple as getting over it.”

Every word punched Spencer in the gut. He was clutching at his body, willing the pain to go away but knowing he was the cause of it all. “I know,” he breathed. “I don’t expect it to just go away, but…I’m begging you to give me a chance. I made a stupid decision based on dumber reasoning. I was wrong. Not talking to you these past few weeks has made me realize how much I need you in my life.”

Though anger had been seeping through every pore of your body these past few weeks, you knew where he was coming from. After 10 years of talking every day, walking in step with each other and understanding each other down to your very cores, it was a shock to your system not to have that. “I miss you too.” A sense of relief washed over him and you quickly added. “But I don’t know how to let go.”

“Let me try,” he said, inching himself forward on the couch as he grasped for straws. “You don’t have to do anything. Just let me try to win back your friendship first. Then if you feel like you can trust me, we can move forward.”

“You want to court me?” You asked, raising an eyebrow with a small but hopeful smile. 

“Essentially, yes. Just give me a chance to prove that I was wrong.”

Your head was pounding. The last few weeks had surely dried you up of all your tears. There was no way there could be anymore in there. “I’ll give you a chance,” you said with a deep breath. “But there are no guarantees.”

“A chance is all I ask.”

——-

In the weeks following Spencer’s proclamation that he was going to win back your friendship, he did his best to do just that. At first you weren’t sure if it was going to work. Despite bringing you your coffee and holding the doors open for you, you still thought of him choosing her whenever you looked at him, but after a while, his former choices sunk to the background.

“Want to go to the park after work?” 

It was a place he liked to frequent - for its childlike wonder and peaceful tranquility - and you hadn’t been there since before everything had gone down. In the pit of your stomach, you wondered if you could do it, but he was trying. He was trying hard so you would too, whether it led to a romance or not. You needed him as a friend. “Sure. You have to push me on the swings though. I’m tired and lazy.”

“I think I can do that.”

Once work was finally over, you met at Spencer’s apartment and headed down the street to the park you both loved. It felt a little heavier than usual, but you were also feeling more optimistic than you had in weeks. You sat on the swing and waited for Spencer to push you, closing your eyes against the breeze the movements created. “I’ve missed this,” he said softly, tentatively, as if trying to determine whether he was proving himself to you or not. 

“I have too.”

For a few moments, he continued pushing you without saying anything.

“Have you forgiven me? Or…do you think you can?”

It was a loaded question and one you’d been pondering since he left after asking for that second chance. “I haven’t forgiven you yet. Not completely, but I think I can if you give me more time.”

“Okay,” he replied almost breathlessly, pausing before he could muster up the courage to ask his other question. “Did I lose my chance at dating you?”

Turning around, you shook your head. “No…but again. I need time. I know why you did what you did, but I’m still unraveling it in my head. Just give me a little more time and we can give us a shot.”

Spencer wiped a tear away with the back of his sleeve as he continued pushing you with his other hand. “Thank you, Y/N. I swear…I won’t fuck this up.”

After 10 years as friends and a mountain of mistakes behind him, something told you he wouldn’t mess up at his second chance.


End file.
